I don’t know all that much about philosophy, but I know a whole bunch about traffic lights. I want to share something, a lesson that was taught to me by the little green man on the pedestrian crossing. He’s a friend. He’s very close to me.
The little green man says to walk, but it’s more than that. The little green man says to keep moving forward. When you’re waiting to cross the road, the little green man teases the shit out of you. He never shows up when you want him to, he waits and waits until you’re halfway tempted to start crossing despite him. But then he tells you to walk, and you cross the road.
Sometimes when you get to the other side of the road, you realise that you really want to be back there where you were before. But you can’t just turn around and walk back, because now the cars are going past and you’ve missed your chance. The little green dude is nowhere to be found. He disappeared when you were still walking, when the little red man started flashing at you in warning. The little green man fucked off to do whatever it is the little green man does when he’s not shepherding your ass across the road. You no longer have the freedom to cross the road unimpeded. You’ve lost that magic moment. If you want to cross back again, you’ll just have to wait. You don’t know when the lights will change again. Is it healthy to stand there, looking back across the road, wishing you were back where you were before this whole crossing-the-road mess started? Staring at the red man, wishing him gone. It’s not frigging healthy. It’s not good for you. You’re wasting your life, waiting for the green man to come back. If you ever got back there, it wouldn’t be the same.
The little green man is trying to tell you that you just have to keep moving forward. You think you’re on the wrong side of the road? How do you know? Have you really looked? Maybe life is great here on the other side. Even if it’s not, there will be other roads and you’ll cross them in your time. If there’s someone you left behind back there, maybe in their time they’ll come over to this side of the road to join you. It’s what all the cool kids are doing.
But basically, setting aside the confusing metaphor, reflection is okay every now and then but living in the past is counterproductive because you’re not living at all. When there are setbacks, you just have to pick yourself the fuck up and KEEP MOVING FORWARD. Because life doesn’t stop for anyone, and nor does the little green man on the traffic lights.
Maybe I know a little about philosophy.
I landed stupidly on my ankle during dance class today. Sometimes my spatial perception sucks ass. I went floundering on the floor, knowing I’d have to pick myself up and somehow get to the other end of the room so the other dancers could keep on dancing, knowing that there was no dignified way of doing this because I couldn’t put any weight on my left foot. I had to hop the length of the room. I knew I looked like a dick. I knew I was epitomising the fucking ridiculous but what the hell else is new? Since I got home I’ve accessorised with a hole in my hand from accidentally grating it with a box grater, and several hot oil burns on my fingers.
But you know what? That’s me. I’m clumsy. I’m a dork. I don’t have to explain myself to anyone.
I haven’t been in a dark place, but over the last week I’ve been standing right next to a dark place, peering in. I don’t want to go in there. I want to go back to the way I was before. There is no going back, and I’m going to give the dark place a wide berth. I’ve just got to accept the way I am and keep moving forward. Hope for a road somewhere ahead.
I wish I could follow this more consistently, stand by my convictions and be a strong person. But I’m too fucking weak. It comes and it goes.
In short, I didn’t run this weekend, even though I don’t have a long training window left. Falling back into the lazy trap. Am I going to let it bother me? No. I’m going to just keep on going.
I used to be so awesome. Now I’m not sure anymore.
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